Crying our for help...

I had been a Christian for over 20 years when I entered treatment and became exposed to the "12 Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous". I had 'no clue' what was involved in recovery and deemed it as 'secular'... until viewing the Steps for the first time in 'Cabin 3' at Bradford on the Warrior. It was observed that 'the program' was not secular at all, but a design for living that centered both on the necessity of God and the daily surrender to God -- and I knew why I was in that cabin on that day...because I COULD NOT make it on my own and the 'one time' surrender to Christ at the age of 20 was not enough for me. The program teaches me that I must 'clinge' to God day by day for the rest of my life. This leads me to a better understanding of 'the 1st step' of the program:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (addiction, etc) - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have been taught this is the admission of alcoholism or addiction and if a person says "I am an alcoholic or addict" he or she has completed the 1st Step. I don't see this as merely an admission of a problem but as a 'cry for help'. To me, it is the 'powerlessness' and helplessness over my addiction and life that is the emphasis ... much like a dying man with cancer that realized 'self-healing' did not work. I didn't just need to recognize that I had problem ... but needed to realize it was necessary to 'throw in the towel' regarding all efforts to control my addictions (and my life). When I finally came to this point, I called a friend in order receive a few kind words (you know who you are M.B.) and give me a message of consolation ... but all he said was "Lane, you are exactly where God wants you to be". He let me know that it might take a great loss in order for me to find His way for my life. I put down the phone and was crushed because the TRUTH was so painful: I had come to the end of all my efforts and had no right to place a condition on what must be surrendered in order to be fully restored. This is not what I wanted to hear ... words such as "it will be O.K." or "everything will work out" is what I longed for, but did not receive. My friend could make no such promises and could only communicate, through experience, the reality of my situation ...based on the knowledge that the road of recovery was not going to be an easy process, but was necessary for survival. His words were not cruel (contrary to my original thoughts!), but poured from a heart of love because he knew that I would not make it without 'giving up'.

Having progressed on this journey and encountering many folks struggling with addictions, I always listen for that 'cry of help' and a willingness to do 'whatever it takes'. Bill Wilson said we must seek "... escape with all the desperation of a drowning man". I am so grateful to God that He has provided both a 'way out' of destruction and a 'way in' to a life with purpose. It all starts with a 'cry for help'...

Lane

East to West

Entering a treatment center some 5 years ago, even after my repentance and surrender to Christ, I was faced with overwhelming guilt, condemnation and a crushing since of failure ...all while 'swimming in a sea of hopelessness'. Life as I knew it was over ... and had to be over in order to pursue a path of recovery and restoration -- and the pain was almost unbearable. As I called my friend and first sponsor (Wayne) and cried out for some type of hope during those early days, all he could give me was "at least nobody is dead". Everything else seemed to be lost -- money, family, job, reputation, home and , seemingly, everything else that I had 'gained' during my self-centered existence. I would go to meetings in the treatment center listening for any word of hope that would give me some degree of relief. I now know, looking back, that God was stripping me of all externals in order to give me a gift of intimacy and sufficiency in Christ...and that my true HOPE was in Him and Him alone.

With this in mind, I just came across a song by Casting Crowns entitled 'East to West'. The message of this song captured the desperation of a man (just like me) that was trying to hold on for one more day. I am so grateful for a Savior full of mercy and grace ...

East to West
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness - The chains of yesterday surround me -I yearn for peace and rest -I don't want to end up where You found me -And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight -I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west -And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned -But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way- Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west -'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again -In the arms of Your mercy I find rest -'cause You know just how far the east is from the west -From one scarred hand to the other- I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin -Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in- Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way- I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light -I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night -I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals -I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me -You're holding on to me -Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west -I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again -In the arms of Your mercy I find rest -'cause You know just how far the east is from the west -From one scarred hand to the other -One scarred hand to the other- From one scarred hand to the other.

Lane

Why another blog?

Am I starting this blog because of a 'lack of information' and 'too few blogs' on the internet? Certainly not ... my purpose for this blog is to merely write about my journey as a 'Christian in Recovery'. Hopefully, another person might be given hope and the courage to both participate and endure in their own journey with God in spite of an addiction or signficant struggles. To clarify, I have been a Christian for 29 years and 'in recovery' for almost 5 years. Like so many, I thought my initial encounter with God at the age of 20 was enough to carry me through any trial for the rest of my life. What I demonstrated for the next 24 years were brief periods of spiritual intimacy, followed by years of living a self-centered existence. Finally, God 'gave me over' (allowed) me to fall into much darkness and destruction, including a state of advanced addiction. My journey home, as stated in the profile, began on April 23, 2003 in a hotel room in Raleigh, NC -- when I prayed the following dangerous prayer, "God, whatever it takes, whatever the cost, I want to come home to you". God took me up on this, and the price was costly indeed, eventually landing me in a treatment center, followed by time in a half-way house. I went from making huge sums of money (and living for SELF) to counting change in order to put gas in my borrowed car. Like the prodical son, I did come to my senses ... but the path of restoration has been slow and often painful. The hope, however, is that God does put the pieces back together and grants us opportunties to live a life that He designs. My plan is to write about this Redemptive Recovery process ...



Lane