Sensitivity of the Heart

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (Paul, Eph. 5:15-16)

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. (Bill Wilson, AA pgs. 86-87)

Catching up... I've had a challenging couple of weeks and have not posted. It is very interesting to me that a significant portion of my recovery has been 'peeled back' over time. It took about a year and a half of continuous sobriety before I began to realize areas of struggle that have persisted throughout my adult life. For several days, all I could do was 'hold on' and just fulfill my basic responsibilities. I 'hid' it well...except to my 'accountability circle'. I could trust each of them with the details of my life and I am very grateful...

Sensitivity of the heart ... In the midst of a personal milestone (50th birthday!), I began to review numerous entries from journals of the past 5 years. October 9, 2003 was a very turbulent time in my life as I approached the 6-month mark of recovery. On that particular day I was participating in a 'Heart Arrhythmia Interpretation Class' at a local hospital as part of a requirement for employment. I heard these words during the class and recorded the following:

"Memorize the characteristics of the heart's electronic patterns, not the appearance...remember, the heart is very sensitive to change..."

I perceived this to be a message from God for me at this time in my life... and it certainly applies to my current situation, as well. Just as my physical heart is delicate and very sensitive (and adaptive), so is life in the spirit. I must 'guard my heart' and examine those issues that create discord, turmoil and restlessness. In addition, I must continue to have individuals in my life observing the 'characteristics' and quality of my spiritual walk, and not just the appearance. Often, the small 'allowances' or 'intrusions' produce significant alterations in my ability to stay connected to God. I am grateful to have 'discovered' ongoing recovery as a 'treatment' for my

condition...

Lane

What is a disciple?

"If you abide (persevere until we are one with Him) in my word (His doctrine, His Truth, His directions...), you are truly my disciples and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)

As I surrender my life and my will to the care of God (Step 3) and travel a different path, Jesus begins to demand more of me than I am often willing to give. However, He knows that 'there is no other way' to freedom and service.

As Jesus taught TRUTH, He expected different levels of impact (the parable of the sower)...but ultimately His desire is for disciples. I looked up this word in a Greek dictionary (mathetes) and the definition is very interesting:

Not just a pupil or learner, but an adherent who accepts the instruction given and makes it his rule of conduct or rule of life.

In other words, a disciple is no longer in charge of his life and is to be consumed by a new Master. Not only is he to hear the words and teachings of this new Master, but is to take action on all the instructions given. Do I REALLY believe this? Am I willing to change everything if He desires? Am I willing to pay the price for intimacy with Christ on a daily basis? Is His truth my rule of conduct in all situations? God help me...I've got a 'long way to go'...

Lane

"Watch yourselves..."

"But watch yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap." (Luke 21:34)

As I was turning in the Bible to a another reading, this passage (along with previous notes) jumped out at me once again. It appears that Jesus was telling us to 'watch ourselves' ...instead of 'watching (judging) others'. He seemed to be teaching introspection and was encouraging us to 'be on guard' because of our heart's tendency to betray -- and we then make ourselves 'feel better' by focusing on the faults of other people. We even 'issue a verdict' against the other person's faults as if we know the very depths of their heart! The Amplified Bible says it clearly: we should guard our heart and watch out for "the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence ..."

I spend a lot of time and mental energy 'watching others'...and being disturbed when they do not conform to my wishes. I must ask for grace to guard my own heart and avoid the 'emotional hangovers' and anxieties that result from the wrong focus. Lord, let the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You.

Lane

A Searching and Fearless Pursuit of the Truth (2)

It has been a busy week...and I feel 'agitated' and 'not very spiritual'. In fact, I did not want to post this continuation of a '4th Step inventory'. However, because of those feelings...I know that I must continue on...

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves..."

What does this mean and how can I complete this step? For me, it begins with the 1st principle identified in the previous post: 1) An honest assessment and evaluation of my life. This action will cause me to objectively view my past and present with honesty. The intent is to see things "as they are". I need to make a thorough inventory of the life that was surrendered to God in Step 3. This is tough because I need to slow down and carefully ask Him to help me identify and review the various 'areas' of my life. I know I will need God to show me the "one more thing" that is concealed, along with my hidden motives. The areas that I must review and consider are:

• My true relationship to God and the state of my daily spiritual life
• The relationship with my family
• My finances and possessions
• My job/career/calling
• Sex, lust and imagery
• All social relationships (friends, society, work, etc.)
• My recreation and entertainment
• My physical health
• My 'mental life', obsessions, compulsions and 'meditations of the heart'
• Use of time
• Accountability and submission
• How I handle responsibilities

As I carefully review each of these areas, I need the courage from God to explore what is REALLY 'going on' in each of these areas. What has occurred in the past that still affects me today? What patterns of behavior am I tolerating that will have a long-term negative impact? As I stand in the center and view these various areas of my life...I carefully must consider the TRUTH and explore my willingness to surrender everything to God. I must ask God for the SPIRIT of TRUTH that dissects and exposes all behaviors that will separate me from Him. I will be asking myself a series of questions that require 'rigourous honesty'. This will be tough because I am in a bit of a 'dead time' spiritually and somewhat reluctant to move forward. I pray for courage and favor...I need His help.

As stated in the Big Book of AA, I am "launching out on a course of vigorous action..." My reluctance and emotions must not halt the process.

Lane

A Searching and Fearless Pursuit of the Truth

It has come to my attention during the past couple of weeks the need for deeper self-examination, disclosure and 'fearless inventory'. Contrary to what I prefer, 4th Step inventory (along with daily 10th Step work) should be an ongoing process. Honestly, I am seeing some things 'creep in' that are disturbing...and behaviors that need to be addressed. In essence, I am IN recovery ... not GRADUATED FROM recovery.

With this in mind, I want to journal my process of 're-working' a 4th step using a guide that helps me visualize the process. It is not based on original ideas, but compiled from my readings during the past few years. The particular method has 5 guiding principles that serve as a backbone to the action that I must take:

1. Honest Assessment and Evaluation
2. Identification of what blocks us from God
3. Diagnosis of our injuries and wounds
4. Exposure of all root issues
5. Treatment of our 'pathology'

This looks a bit like medical terminology because of my background and the fact that this process is 'used' on us each time we go to a doctor with a medical condition or sickness (pathology). In addition, this method also considers the OXFORD GROUP original tenets that were utilized by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob in the early days of AA. These include:

• Surrender
• Confession
• Restitution
• Guidance
• Witnessing
• The '4 Absolutes' (Honesty, Purity, Unselfishness and Love)

As I move forward, it is important to realize that the desired outcome is transformation of character and this is not an 'exercise' in accumulating self-knowledge. Hopefully, "the TRUTH will set me free" as He exposes the realities in my life.

Lane

Am I a Phony?

37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10: 37 - 39, ESV)

After listening to a message by David Platt titled 'What the Gospel Demands' (see link below), I began to question my willingness to absolutely surrender EVERYTHING to Christ. My words sound definitive and my instructions point toward the necessity of "making a decision to turn our lives and our will to the care of God..." However, the implications of such 'self-surrender' demands a high price -- and maybe just too high for me. As I discussed this sermon with a friend, he asked me if the message 'was good'. I told him that I didn't know...because it was just too disturbing and the 'costliness' of truly following Christ DEMANDS that I change and 'let go' of idols. I am at another crossroad in my journey. Am I REALLY willing to do what it takes, no matter the cost? Please pray for me...the words of Jesus and the '3rd Step prayer' referenced above (see picture) do not provide an opportunity for a 'soft, easy way'.

Lane

Link to media archives (9/7/08 message):

brook hills media audio messages 2008

The '4 ABSOLUTES'

The following information gives us more understanding on the '4 absolutes' that were used as standards of behavior and 'benchmarks' for daily examination in the early program of AA... Absolute Honesty, Absolute Unselfishness, Absolute Love and Absolute Purity. These characteristics were 'rooted' in the Master. What a powerful concept...

Truth – the standard of Absolute Honesty --“Jesus set up an absolute standard of truth... If Satan is the father of lies, how can any lie be justifiable? Jesus did not make truthfulness depend upon its profitableness or its loss. Men must be true and speak the truth regardless of consequences. Unselfishness – the standard of Absolute Unselfishness -- Jesus set up an absolute standard of unselfishness. This was His own spirit. . . . The kingdom with its service of God and man was to be above home, friends, comfort, life (Matt. 19:29). Purity – the standard of Absolute Purity --“Jesus set up an absolute standard of purity. He tolerated no uncleanness whatsoever. The inner chambers of imagery and desire must be pure (Mark 7:15). A hand or an eye, outer or inner sin, must be sacrificed to the claims of the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 5:29, 30).” Love – the standard of Absolute Love -- “Jesus set up an absolute standard of love (John 23:34). Neither dirt (Luke 16:20), nor poverty (Luke 14:13), nor social inferiority (Luke 7:39) were annulments of the law of love. He Himself loved to the limit (John 13:1), and with no abatements. The law of love makes it impossible to say: “I don’t like those people. I can’t love them.”

“Jesus Himself was the standard He set up. He was unchangeable. He had been before Abraham (John 8:58). He would be forever (Heb. 13:8). The absolute Teacher was the absolute lesson. It is a great thing in this day of wavering, of quibbling by moral evasions and straddles, to have a faith and a faithful Master who cannot be moved” (taken from research by Dick B.)

I do not believe we can 'do this on our own'...yet, the challenge is daily scrutiny, exposure and surrender to God. These standards serve us well, especially when we have individuals in our lives that 'tell it like it is'. I want to thank those that God has put in my life that create discomfort when I take the soft, easy road.

Lane

The "Dark Side" of Addiction

Without being 'overly dramatic', I believe there are boundaries that can be crossed in our addictions, compulsions and destructive behaviors that produce an 'overwhelming' attraction from the Dark Side (the demonic). Indeed, all of us that struggle with addiction have 'gone to places God never intended for us to experience' and, thus, have certainly exposed ourselves to significant destructive forces -- physically, mentally and spiritually.

However, after experiences of this week, I am reminded that some individuals seem to 'cross a line' of defiance. In fact, the tangible presence of evil becomes evident in these individuals...along with the group or culture they attract. The common characteristic, as far as words will describe, is overt EVIL. These people, in my opinion, have gone beyond the common struggles with their addiction, but have now invited demonic influence that manifests as sexual perversion, lawless acts and hostility to all authority.

I am reminded that we must not go into these situations without the Power of God and must not have any unconfessed willful sin in our own lives. Only Jesus Christ can truly deliver any of us from the world of darkness and destruction ... but this type of entrenched presence does not often go without a furious fight even when the person states a willingness to be delivered. I believe Paul speaks of such dark behavior as follows:

18Their [e]moral understanding is darkened and their reasoning is beclouded. [They are] alienated (estranged, self-banished) from the life of God [with no share in it; this is] because of the ignorance (the want of knowledge and perception, the willful blindness) that is [f]deep-seated in them, due to their hardness of heart [to the insensitiveness of their moral nature].
19In their spiritual apathy they have become callous and past feeling and reckless and have abandoned themselves [a prey] to unbridled sensuality, eager and greedy to indulge in every form of impurity [that their depraved desires may suggest and demand]. (Ephesians 4:18-19, AMP)

It is said in John 14:30 that the prince of evil had 'no claim' on Jesus and, similarly, only in the purity of confession and willful surrender can we enter into His battle...otherwise, we can allow this dark power to impact us even in our 'good intentions' and ministries.

God, help me by revealing deep-seated sin and rebellion in my life ... and rescue me from self-delusion. Only in my weakness am I strong in You. Also, help me to remember that all rebellion is evil and prideful defiance is always 'crouching at the door'. Help all of us in this battle as we bring the message of YOUR Gospel ... which is the POWER OF GOD for salvation.

Lane

Why are we unchanged?

"12 For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energizing, and effective]; it is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.
13 And not a creature exists that is concealed from His sight, but all things are open and exposed, naked and defenseless to the eyes of Him with Whom we have to do." (Heb. 4:12-13)

"4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." (AA steps 4-6)

Revolutionary teachings in 12-Step Recovery are those of self-examination, confession and the necessity of change. We are to 'stop at nothing' and uncover all resentments, all fears, all secret sins, lust, pride and any other character flaw that serves to keep us in bondage and impacts our relationship with God. In fact, in each authentic recovery meeting these teachings will be read and explained as the source of true freedom.

Imagine, if you will, if these principles were taught as 'essential' to authentic Christian discipleship in our Churches each Sunday, in our 'small groups' throughout the week and openly discussed by all members? Suppose we also presented this message as VITAL to true freedom in Christ...and guide those that surrendered to Him through the process of Steps 4-6? The fact is...these teachings ARE ESSENTIAL to the Christian experience. Yet, for some reason, the Western Church has a high tolerance for 'a faith in Christ' that expects minimal character change. As long as an individual agrees to quit the BIG SINS -- such as drugs, alcohol, adultery, murder, stealing, etc...he or she can continue to live with unforgiveness, resentments, pride, bitterness, fear and all types of idolatry. But...this is not THE WAY OF CHRIST. He, by the Spirit, desires to expose us for who we really are -- even to ''deepest parts of our nature". There is no other way and this is never easy or a one-time event. It requires openness, honesty and 'fearless' accountability. For most of my life, I was living in fear of exposure and would have considered this teaching as 'too radical' and the accountability as 'restrictive'. I know today that these principles are, and will always be, the key to my freedom...FREEDOM IN CHRIST. In fact, I WILL NOT SURVIVE if I follow any other path.

Lane

Reflections on 'Pro-Choice'...

"I am able to do nothing from Myself [independently, of My own accord--but only as I am taught by God and as I get His orders]. Even as I hear, I judge [I decide as I am bidden to decide. As the voice comes to Me, so I give a decision], and My judgment is right (just, righteous), because I do not seek or consult My own will [I have no desire to do what is pleasing to Myself, My own aim, My own purpose] but only the will and pleasure of the Father Who sent Me." (Words of Jesus, John 5:30 - AMP)

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God...praying only for knowledge of His Will and the Power to carry that out." (Modified version of Step 11 of AA)

The presidential candidates were recently asked questions by Rick Warren, a pastor in California, relating to their views on abortion. I thought about the two opposing positions...and reflected on the fact that one of the candidates claimed to be a follower of Christ, yet was adamantly 'Pro-Choice'. The words of this candidate 'sounded right' while discussing his dependence on Christ ... yet I was bothered. It then occurred to me that this 'stance' reveals a fundamental belief: the value of the mother's opinion overrides any other value or opinion. The value of the child is not considered and, even more importantly, the will of God is not the ultimate authority. In essence, the 'Pro-Choice' position is "My will be done...whatever the cost...whatever it takes...no matter what or who stands in the way."

As a Christian in recovery, I am VERY familiar with this 'logic' as it is embedded in my nature, along with the rest of the human race (see Genesis 3). In fact, 'Pro-choice/Pro-control' lead to addiction and destruction as I lived a life of self-fulfillment. However, this need to be in control by 'surrendering to my own will' stands contrary to authentic Christianity (& authentic recovery). The 'basic instruction' for the Christian, as taught in the principles of recovery, is submission to a Higher Authority -- the WILL of GOD. Once we make the radical claim to be a servant of Christ (consistent with Step 3), we no longer have the option to live by our own will. Our instruction is to follow the example of Christ...Who did not consult His own opinion, seek His own will or do what was only pleasing to Himself (see John 5, John 14-17). There is no 'soft, easy way' in this journey... In other words, 'my choice' can no longer be the final authority. The one clarifying question to ask an individual that wants to be a servant of Christ and submit to His Lordship is: "Are you willing to do whatever it takes, no matter the cost, to follow Christ ... even if it means surrendering your will and your own opinions to His authority?"

'Pro-choice' (making decisions independent of God) always leads to death and destruction. Pro-choice is not an issue such as 'lower taxes', 'better education' or 'a clean environment'... Pro-choice is all about who (or WHO) is in control. I remember the words of Jesus when facing imminent death, "...not my will, but Your will be done."

Lane

Spiritual Roots of Recovery: Part III

This web site, http://www.dickb.com/, is an excellent resource that explores the authentic spiritual roots of recovery. His research his undeniable, yet somewhat controversial for those that want to remove all references to Christianity in AA's formation. I want to conclude these 3 posts with a bit of content from this site:

What Early A.A. Was Really Like
You won't learn this in A.A.'s basic text today or in our meetings. But the simplicity of early A.A. will really astound you! And we are here speaking to the pioneer A.A. Christian Fellowship in Akron that developed our program and was led by Dr. Bob. Abstinence was Number One. Usually there was hospitalization or at least medical help to save the newcomer's life. At the hospital, only the Bible was allowed in the room. Recovered drunks visited the patient and told their success stories. The newcomer had to identify, admit that he too was licked, and that he would do whatever it took. Dr. Bob visited daily. Then, he would explain the “disease” as it was then understood; and, on the final day, Dr. Bob asked two questions to which there was only one answer: (1) Do you believe in God? (2) Are you willing to get down on your knees and pray? Reliance on the Creator was Number Two. The newcomer then gave his life to Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. Many were too sick to venture far; so they lived with the Smiths (and later others) in Akron homes. It is a myth that they recovered in an afternoon or in four easy lessons. They shook. They shivered. They fidgeted. They forgot. They were ashamed, insecure, and guilt-ridden. But they learned from the Good Book what a loving God had made available. Obedience to God’s will was Number Three. They were expected to walk in love and to eliminate sinful conduct from their lives. Growth in Fellowship with their Heavenly Father was Number Four. At the homes, they had daily Quiet Time (Bible study, prayer, asking guidance, reading a devotional, and discussing Anne Smith's Journal). They shared their woes and problems with Dr. Bob, with Anne (his wife), and with Henrietta Seiberling. They also had personal Quiet Times in their individual lives or at their home. They had one meeting a week. No drunkalogs. No whining. No psychobabble. Just prayer. Reading from Scripture. Quiet Time. Use of The Upper Room or similar devotionals for discussion. Then surrender upstairs for the newcomer in a prayer session resembling that in James 5:14-16. The newcomer confirmed his decision for Christ. [This confession of Christ by which the newcomer became born again has been confirmed as a “must” by four different and well-known A.A. old-timers—J. D. Holmes, Clarence Snyder, Larry Bauer, and Ed Andy.] At that time, the "elders" (usually Bob and T. Henry and one other) prayed with him that alcohol be taken out of his life, and joined him in asking that he be guided to live according to God's will. Intensive help for other alcoholics was the Fifth element. Following the surrender upstairs, downstairs there were announcements about newcomers at hospitals. Religious comradeship and attendance at a church of choice were recommended but not required. Socializing. And it started all over again.

Wow, no wonder the early success rate was so incredibly high ... it was the POWER of GOD and an ongoing relationship with Him that brought change!

Lane

Spiritual Roots of Recovery: Part II

As those of us in recovery know, the first 12-step program was originated by the founders of AA: Dr. Robert Smith (Dr. Bob) and Bill Wilson (Bill W.). These men certainly were not perfect, but God has used their program to transform many lives and has, more importantly, been the entrance into a relationship with Jesus Christ. These men, even though close friends and 'co-founders' of AA, had different journeys post-sobriety. Dr. Bob and the 'Midwest' group stayed conservative and the Bible was openly discussed and utilized. Bill Wilson, on the other hand, aligned himself with the group from the East (centered in New York City)...and, in my opinion, was much more liberal and seemed to deviate from many of the Biblical roots of the program.

My readings during the past 5 years have included numerous biographies (of Bill Wilson, Lois Wilson & Ebby Thacher), histories (such as, Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers), letters from Bill Wilson (to his 'sponsor', Father Dowling) and books by Dick B. on the spiritual history of the program. I have 'discovered' many facts concerning AA that are astounding ... some of these are included below:

DID YOU KNOW ... ?

• Dr. Bob was always positive about his faith. If someone asked him a question about the program, his usual response was: "What does it say in the Good Book?"
• The lady that facilitated the meeting between Dr. Bob and Bill Wilson was Henrietta Seiberling, daughter-in-law of Frank A. Seiberling, founder and first president of Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company. She, too, was a very strong Christian and member of the Oxford Group.
• Bill Wilson declared early on in his recovery that "...the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease...". He gave God the full credit for his deliverance.
• I read in one biography that Bill Wilson, after his 'experience with God', would take the Bible into hospitals to meet with alcoholics. He attempted to 'witness' about God's power to deliver from alcohol. He would openly speak at the Oxford Group meetings (a movement devoted to restoring 1st century Christianity), testifying to his deliverance through an encounter with God.
• Dr. Silkworth, famous for writing the 'Doctor's Opinion' in the Big Book of AA, was also a very strong Christian. He declared that the hope of the alcoholic depended on healing by Jesus Christ.
• Bill Wilson struggled for years (maybe his entire life) with specific doctrines of Christianity. He stated belief in the resurrection and return of Christ and miracles...but struggled with the divinity of Jesus. In addition, he got heavily involved in 'spiritism'. Apparently, he had significant confusion after his initial experiences in the early years of AA.
• And finally, one specific AA group wrote to C.S. Lewis (see above picture) regarding Bill Wilson's involvement in spiritism. He wrote back to the group, stating: "This is necromancy...Have nothing to do with it." They had hoped advise from a respected and influential Christian would have an impact on his practice.

You can not help but 'encounter' Christianity when studying the history of AA. I'm not saying that the organization is 'Christ-based'...but the historical roots are certainly grounded in authentic spiritual experiences, understood to be consistent with revelations in the Bible. I believe it is important for us to know the truth about the program's development and early success. Most consistently, and lead by Dr. Bob, complete surrender to the TRUE GOD was deemed the only path to sobriety. In my opinion...this real solution to transformation has not changed.

Lane

Spiritual Roots of Recovery: Part I

During the past 5 years, I have attended 'traditional AA meetings', meetings in secular treatment centers, meetings in a Christian Rehab and the 'newer' Christian 12 step programs. I have been to meetings in several states...and certainly appreciate the continuity of the core recovery message. In some ways, the 'definite purpose' of Alcoholics Anonymous is refreshing when compared to watching Christian television or attending some Churches. For instance, we know in an AA there is only one requirement: a desire to quit drinking. We also talk often about God, His Power and the surrender to His Will.

However, you also hear words such as "god as you understood him". For me, as a Christian, this would appear to be idolatry and foreign to the God of the Bible and the Person of Jesus Christ. However, I believe there is evidence these words 'added' in two of the 12 steps of AA (after much debate) were not meant to distance the movement from the God of the Bible. This is quite controversial, but I think a reading of AA's history testifies to this fact.

I will be exploring in the next few posts some significant facts concerning the 'Spiritual Roots of Recovery' -- not to create more controversy but to explore the truth. For instance, I included a picture of Dr. Bob's house in this post where Bill Wilson stayed with Anne and Dr. Bob during the first 3 months of his sobriety -- and a spiritual formation was initiated that would 'carry over' to the early AA meetings. The following quote from Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (pg. 71) notes the early beginnings of Bill and Dr. Bob's sobriety:

Each morning, there was a devotion, he recalled (Bill Wilson). After a long silence, in which they awaited inspiration and guidance, Anne would read from the Bible. "James was our favorite," he said. "Reading from her chair in the corner, she would softly conclude, 'Faith without works is dead.'" This was a favorite quotation of Anne's, much as the Book of James was a favorite with early AA's...

Reading for the first time information contained in this book (and others), I was astounded. I also began to realize that this 'path of recovery' was not only consistent with my Christian faith, but the 12 Steps were merely the program of action that helps me maintain a consistent spiritual life. Also, I discovered that the early success rate of AA far exceeded 50% ... because, I believe, the focus was on the TRUE GOD and HIS POWER to transform. In fact, the early program stressed initial surrender to God-- and if the 'newcomer' would not bow down take this essential step he would be 'sent back out' for more pain. They quickly came to realize that desperation and a 'willingness to do whatever it took' were the keys to successful recovery. What would happen today if we stressed the necessity of surrender to God? I believe it could radically alter our recovery 'ministry' (and our Churches!). More to come...

Lane

Radical Accountability ... Pt. 3

The words to the left represent Peter's final recorded sentences...and reveal something of his heart at the end of his life. As we follow Peter through to the end in his 2nd letter, I believe we learn something also about radical accountability and submission. During the past two posts, I looked at how first Paul submitted to Peter...and then how he openly addressed Peter publicly for an error in doctrine that revealed persistent character flaws. Now, finally, we have some powerful words written by Peter on behalf of Paul:

2 Peter 3: 14-18 Therefore, beloved,... be diligent to be found by him without spot or blemish, and at peace. 15 And count the patience of our Lord as salvation, just as our beloved brother Paul also wrote to you according to the wisdom given him, 16 as he does in all his letters when he speaks in them of these matters. There are some things in them that are hard to understand, which the ignorant and unstable twist to their own destruction, as they do the other Scriptures. 17 You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, take care that you are not carried away with the error of lawless people and lose your own stability. 18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity.

Think about it...here was a man that had once been the 'leader' of the newly formed Church, but now the 'newcomer' had taken over his position-- and he wasn't even in the original 12! Not to mention, this 'up and coming' man had publicly humiliated him in front of other leaders! However...in a statement reflecting humility and submission, Peter testified to the revelation that Paul had received and places him in an elevated position. It seems to me that Peter finally 'got it'. In fact, he now, in 2 Peter, identifies himself as a 'servant first' before noting his Apostolic office. He had been 'promoted' to servanthood...no longer needing the approval of men and so confident in this 'low position' that he seemed very comfortable acknowledging the 'success' of others. I believe it also shows us that Peter had learned to submit and become accountable to leadership... no longer needing 'first position'. If this man who spent years with Jesus can submit to leadership and stay accountable for his actions ... shouldn't I follow his example?

Lane

Radical Accountability ... Pt. 2

Paul Opposes Peter (Galatians 2: 11-14)

11 But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. 13 And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. 14 But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?”

Think about it...Peter was a man that was directly mentored by Jesus for 3 years, was taught by Him post-resurrection and received the Power of the Holy Spirit as promised. This Power dramatically altered Peter's life as he proclaimed the gospel and was a leader in the newly formed Church. However --Peter was still dealing with a primary character flaw: fear of man or fear of rejection. It was the same flaw that we saw earlier in his 'infamous' denial of Christ. Jesus exposed him prior to the Cross...and Paul was addressing the same core issue some 15 years later! In spite of Peter's incredible revelation and anointing, he still needed to be directly confronted and held accountable for his destructive actions. Note what Paul did -- he exposed Peter in front of all the others! In other words, he told Peter what he needed to hear...not what he wanted to hear. Peter's actions had a negative impact on others, and, more importantly, the GOSPEL. His behaviors could not go without exposure and correction. This was a dramatic and radical approach...but was in the best interest of the Gospel and the best interest of Peter. In spite of the anointing, Peter needed another person to expose his character flaws so that he could fully develop into the image of Christ.

Probably one of the most significant changes in my life during the past 5 years has been consistently accountability. God has graciously placed specific men in my life that provide a level of scrutiny and openness that I had never experienced. And their words are often painful as the truth is revealed and 'blind spots' are exposed. To some people, this sounds like such a burden...for me, it is a since of freedom never experienced. This has truly been a gift of recovery.

Lane

Radical Accountability ... Pt. 1

It is probably just a poor memory and a 'narrow perspective', but I do not ever remember hearing a sermon, discussion or teaching in Church on the kind of radical accountability (and submission) required in 12-step recovery. However, it is NOT foreign to Scripture, as confirmed by the actions of Paul described in Galatians 2:1-2:

Then after fourteen years I went up again to Jerusalem... I went up because of a revelation and set before them (though privately before those who seemed influential) the GOSPEL that I proclaim among the Gentiles, in order to make sure I was not running or had not run in vain. (ESV)

As we read further...Paul was discussing specifics of his ministry with eyewitnesses and students of the Gospel preached by Jesus, Himself: James, Peter and John. (Oh yes, we need to keep in mind that James was the brother of Jesus and a former skeptic before the resurrection!) Now...think about it... here was a man that had direct revelation from Christ and had invested 14 years in spiritual formation and deep doctrinal and theological study (Paul was a brilliant Old Testament scholar) -- and yet, he didn't quite trust himself and wanted to confirm the specific message that he believed Christ had revealed to him!

Is it not arrogant of me, therefore, to declare God's direction in my life and what I believe to be revelation ... without 'checking in' with mature men who are also walking out this journey? How many times in my past did I make immature and irresponsible decisions based on what I thought to be a 'clear word from God' because it 'felt so right'? I am so grateful today for my TRUE friends that can tell me 'what I need to hear' versus 'what I want to hear'. I have learned during the past 5 years that spiritual strength is directly proportional to honesty, transparency and a 'willingness to be exposed'.

Lane

Knowing Christ as Crucified

This is an excellent book by Alister McGrath that I read a while back...it is a book about 'falling in love' with Jesus and making Him the center of our existence. In the chapter Knowing Christ as Crucifed, he writes the following powerful and convicting words:

Knowing Christ crucified is one of the most astonishing privileges that we can hope to have. But we want to have it cheaply, on our own safe terms. Our old unredeemed natures fight a rearguard action, desperately trying to stop us from entering unto the full and intimate relationship with Christ that will ultimately crucify and destroy them. A superficial knowledge of Christ allows our old nature to continue its existence, untroubled by the disturbing presence of Christ in our lives. It has often been said that the most characteristic effect of sin is delusion -- the creating of the impression that all is well in our lives, and that no further action needs to be taken. This lie is exposed by the cross, which demands that we both appreciate its significance and apply it to our hearts.

God, please lift my 'blinded delusion' and expose everything that separates me from You...my life depends on it...


Lane

The Power to Change, pt. 2

"Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power -- that One is God. May you find Him now! Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon." (Bill Wilson, AA pg. 59)

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Paul, Gal. 2:20)

When I first read the words above by Bill Wilson some 5 years ago, I was struck by the similarities to the necessary abandonment of our lives to Christ expressed in the New Testament. Within myself, I have 'no power to change', but need His power -- the power of the Gospel -- at work in my life. Paul describes His work in us as a 'mystery' and the 'hope of glory' (Col. 1:27). Think about it, the Creator of the universe resides in us through His Spirit when we reach the 'turning point' and 'abandon' ourselves to His care. Power through surrender ... strength in humility ... life through death. These will always be the true words of the gospel and the essential 'remedy' for our destructive lives.

Paul confirms the Gospel's power to change in Colossians 1:6, "This same Good News (the Gospel) that came to you is going out all over the world, It is changing lives everywhere just as it changed yours that very first day you heard and understood the truth about God's great kindness to sinners." (NLV)

Lane

The Power to Change, pt. 1

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?"(Bill Wilson, AA, pg.45)

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the Power of God for salvation to everyone who believes..." (Words of Paul, Romans 1:16)

I believe the text of Alcoholics Anonymous states our common dilemma, whether we suffer from addiction or 'merely' the destruction of sin. Where can we find this power? Paul gives us the simple, yet profound answer: The gospel of Jesus Christ provides us the power for salvation. If this is true, just what is the gospel of Christ?

In the earliest documents that we have describing Christianity, the gospel was understood to be "Christ dying for us" and "His resurrection from the dead" (see 1 Thes. 1:9-10 and 5:9-10). Jesus became the deliverer and the source of salvation. Paul later states in Colossians that "...God purposed that through Him, all things should be completly reconciled back to Himself...as through Him, (the Father) made peace by means of the blood of His cross." (Col. 1:20, AMP).

So, how do we 'access' the power to change? By abandoning our lives to God through 'faith' in the gospel of Jesus Christ -- not simply belief, but '...the leaning of your entire personality on Him in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom and goodness' (AMP expansion of Col. 1:4). Even though I was a Christian for some 20 years, it took the ravages of addiction for me to finally grasp all that He has done on the Cross - and the necessity of dependence of Him daily. I NEED a power greater than myself -- I NEED the power of the gospel.

Lane

Recovery and Theology

It is so interesting to me that traditional '12-Step Recovery' is about our relationship to God and dependence on His power for our daily deliverance. I discovered this fact while in a 'secular' treatment center paid for by my insurance company! We do, however, hear many opinions concerning the knowledge of God and spirituality in both recovery settings and from society in general.

On page 53 of the Big Book of AA, a stunning statement is made that sounds almost 'Biblical' and stimulates an individual in recovery to radically alter his or her entire life: "... either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't." This is a powerful statement from a supposedly secular work...and sounds very familiar to Paul's words in Philippians 3:8, "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."

For these reasons, I believe a life of studying theology is well worth our time and should be a natural progression if we recognize either (or both) statements above as true. As a reminder, this somewhat intimidating word has the following meaning:

Theology (from the Greek theos - God - and logos - word or reason) is reasoned discourse concerning God. More specifically, Christian theology is the rational study and understanding of the nature of God and doctrines of the Christian faith based on God's revelation of Himself, chiefly found in the Bible. (Theopedia)

Not only am I dependent on my relationship with God ... but I also need correct thoughts concerning God. These are not mutually exclusive! Help me Lord to know You and to think about You in a way that is honorable and not full of opinions. Help me to seek those works that both cultivate Your genuine Presence and informs my thoughts authentically...

Lane

Reconciliation, redemption and recovery... Pt. 2

To expand on the theme from my last post, Baker's Evangelical Dictionary defines 'reconcilation' as follows:

Reconciliation has to do with the relationships between God and man or man and man. God reconciles the world to himself (2 Cor 5:18). Reconciliation takes place through the cross of Christ or the death of Christ. Second Corinthians 5:18 says that "God … reconciled us to himself through Christ." God reconciles us to himself through the death of his Son (Rom 5:1). Thus, we are no longer enemies, ungodly, sinners, or powerless. Instead, the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit whom he has given to us (Rom 5:5). It is a change in the total state of our lives.

What a powerful concept...God took the initiative in reconciling our relationship to Him through the cross of Christ. We are no longer 'powerless' once we surrender to Christ and our relationship with God is restored (or recovered...). It is, as Baker defines, a change in the total state of our lives. The spiritual experience of a life surrendered to Christ is the foundation of recovery...and grants us both peace with God and the power to overcome in this present life. As Step 2 tells me: I NEED a POWER greater than myself to restore me to sanity. What is so astounding is the fact that this power of Christ came as a result of humility and His submission to the will of the Father. I must remember that power to change only comes to any of us through the same attitude -- which is never 'cocky', 'self-assured' or 'arrogant'. It is HIS power...and HIS power alone that can accomplish the 'deep' work of recovery.

Lane

Reconciliation, redemption and recovery... Pt. 1

It has been a considerable time since posting ... a 'flu-like' sickness set me back a few months ago and made an impact physically, spiritually and emotionally. I made it through ... but fell behind in a few things. God has been working in a slow and methodical way, but the past few weeks have been a struggle in many ways. Close friendships and accountability have been essential as my emotions have been quite flat. My friend, Mike Bynum, lets me know that 'this is the normal walk'. As it has been said in many recovery meetings, I must not stop "short of the miracle"...

I have been thinking and studying about my Christianity, theology and the process of recovery. For those not in 'formal' recovery, this term might only seem to apply in situations of drug and alcohol addiction...however, I now view the process of recovery interwoven in scripture. In fact, reconciliation, redemption and recovery are linked together as we all have 'gone our own way'. As I told an individual several years ago, it took the darkness of addiction to bring the desperation of my need for a Savior ... I NEEDED to be redeemed and reconciled to the Living God. Even though I had been a Christian for over 2 decades, the 'raw' understanding of my depravity became overwhelming. Thankfully, God the Father 'reconciled me (us) to himself through Christ' (2 Corinthians 5:18).

Lane

'Predictable' patterns in Recovery

Having observed my own challenges and those of my 'fellow travelers' on this road of recovery, I am astounded at the predictability of outcomes when specific behaviors are observed. I thought about this one day when learning about 'wound care' in an online education class (I am a nurse, by the way...). The way it was explained, wounds could be staged according to the destruction of the tissues involved and outcomes could be predicted based on this staging and the related treatments. When a physician talks to an individual with a wound, he or she can explain the 'almost certain' consequences of poor treatment and non-compliance, especially for the more advanced injuries. For example, certain types of wounds will always lead to destruction and eventual death if not dealt with quickly and properly...and the treatment might be as radical requiring amputation of a limb. No matter the opinion of the patient, the emotions of the patient nor the 'other ideas' of the patient will change this fact. Without a 'power greater than themselves' and a prescribed 'program of treatment', the person will face a horrible outcome. The physician also knows that the 'inability to feel pain' associated with the wound is a significant predictor that the tissue is dead ... no matter how good a patient might 'feel'. The words might be harsh, but only the truth will give this person a chance of recovery.

This is, in my opinion, a powerful analogy as it relates to recovery from alcohol, drugs or any other substance or addiction. The person that has a degree of maturity in recovery and has followed the program for a period of time with success knows so much more about me than I know about myself. He or she also knows the landmines along the path ... especially when 'hearing' words of pride and self-sufficiency such as "I can handle it". Just like the physician that attempts to intervene with a deep tissue wound, a sponsor in the Program can point me to the treatment and away from a predictable fall toward destruction ... The problem is, these wounds of rebellion and self-centeredness might be evident when things are going so well in my life...and I am blind to the emerging patterns of behavior.

Gerald May explains that the 'mind tricks' associated with a strong self-will are merely signs that the addiction is seeking to regain control and are signals that relapse is near:

If, instead of failing, the person temporarily succeeds in stopping the addictive behavior, the greatest mind trick of all comes into play. It starts out very normally, with the natural joyfulness of liberation. "I can do it! I have done it! And it wasn't even difficult! Why, I actually don't even have any desire for a drink anymore. I'm free!" Before long, the natural pride will undergo a malignant change; it will be replaced by pride.

Even after 'almost' 5 years, I am still dependent daily on the powerful Grace of God and the help of individuals that are working the program of recovery. If I ever believe "I have made it"...the slippery slope will lead to destruction. Paul says that we are "strongest when we are the weakest". What a concept ... the greatest predictors of my sobriety and intimacy with God are humility, service and willingness. Please, my friends, keep warning me of the 'wounds' you observe in my behavior and attitude. My life depends on it...

Lane

An unexpected gift on day 1802...

Today is day 1802 of my sobriety. I do not 'count the days' as a badge of success, but as a powerful reminder of recovery's path. For me, it is about allowing God to 'order my days' and His prompting for me to review 'where I've been' during the journey.

With that being said, I had a humbling experience today that never would have occurred without the principles (Steps) of recovery. It was, indeed, one of the most profound 'amends' that has taken place during God's restoration process and I want to highlight what transpired...

I had superficially 'reconnected' with an old friend during the past few weeks -- a past that was long forgotten. Not only had I 'buried' this friendship, I had even 'wiped out' (through denial) many details of our time together and the value that he brought to my life. You see, I was such a mess and 'needed' (wanted) to escape ALL PAIN associated with a failed marriage, a failed ministry, insecurities and a life of irresponsibility . In essence, I wanted to have a 'do-over' -- and this required almost a complete restructuring of my past. To make this 'complete', I even gave up my only son (at the time) for adoption. I was so blinded by my sickness and 'self-centeredness' and was willing to sacrifice anything and everyone in order to create a 'new reality'...and this included an innocent little boy that I loved 'more than life' when I had looked into his face and held him for the first time. In other words, the pattern of destruction was already evident in my life and the 'grip of addiction' had started its powerful assault . Therefore, for a man who could do this, giving up a friend was 'easy' -- I just had to shut out any thought of him. This seemed to work for a while...but as time passed, only alcohol and drugs could sustain this life of delusion. In fact, without SOMETHING to help, I was a miserable and depressed man...longing to be 'knocked out' so that I could gain at least a few hours of freedom from the growing hopelessness.

25 years later ... God, because of His grace at work through recovery, no longer lets me live this life of deception. He requires a "willingness to make amends" to all I have harmed (Step 8)-- including my older son, my wife & our children together - and any other person that He reveals...for the rest of my life. Therefore, it was not so strange when a thought occured to 'seek amends' with my friend from the past, even though I did not have any known issues or problems. I asked him if there was "anything between the two of us"... and what he told me 'cut deeply'...

Without me knowing it, he had been hurt for a long time over my 'abrupt' end to our friendship and my overall lack of integrity. This person trusted me and was stunned that I could 'walk away' from a long friendship without explanation, concern or remorse. One year ago, after all this time, God brought healing as it related to my past treatment of this man. The lesson was powerful: The sufficiency of Christ was all he ever needed ...no matter the offense of another person (that would be me) nor the extent of the pain. This response was sobering...as God allowed me an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and take full responsibility for my actions and destructive behaviors. So graciously, my friend did forgive me in spite of the pain I brought into his life and the poor example I had provided as a fellow brother in the Lord. After our honest talk and his transparent vulnerability, we embraced and he said, "I DO love you, Lane"...

I am amazed at the grace of God and the miracle of restoration ... He continues to make "beauty out of ashes" and gives gifts to the undeserving (like me). And finally, I am grateful to know that He is a God of '2nd chances'... and has given me this opportunity to say to my friend, "I love you, too".

Lane

In need of Grace...

The 2nd Step in AA and in all 12 step recovery programs says:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This sounds simple to me, yet it is a great challenge because I am so 'strong-willed'. The book of James 4:10 (NLT) says: When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor. This admission of dependence is an ongoing struggle for me as the consequences of my addiction are fading and 'things are better' on so many different levels. How can I live in daily dependence? How can I 'loosen the grip' on my life and allow God to seize control? ... For me, it is to stay 'plugged in' to recovery groups, live a life of accountability and to seek God daily. I often fall short in these areas, but attempt to 'pick myself back up' and continue on down the road because I need God's grace (the Power greater than myself)... not to just overcome addiction(s), but to 'truly live' and fulfill a purpose. This is why the PROGRAM is so important...because it is a solution that is based on 'daily dependence on God'. Should I ever stop the program because I am no longer consciously aware of addiction (via cravings or obsessions)? NO !!! This is His 'prescription' that will give me access to the grace and a healthy spiritual condition. In addition, the nature of addiction is such that our brains will play tricks on us in order to promote disfunction. Gerald May says, "A fundamental mind trick of addiction is focusing attention on willpower. In very complicated ways, the mind asserts that it in fact can control the behavior...it even encourages making resolutions to stop. It knows such resolutions are likely to fail, and when they do, the addictive behavior will have a stronger foothold than ever."

I am in need of Grace... past, present and future - and only His grace can 'restore me to sanity'. Please, Lord, help me to never forget...

Lane

What do I really desire?

As I realized the 'out of control' nature of my life and the inability to gain freedom from addiction, I cried out for help...Initially, this was a cry for relief from the pain and, as I discovered, a deep desire to have my life 'return to normal'. However, God had something else in mind - He wanted to give me a new life. Unfortunately, for my flesh, this new life required a surrender of my hopes, dreams and expectations. As Oswald Chambers said (parapharased), "We can put no conditions on what we are willing to surrender - conditions only reveal the idolatry of our heart". I believe God places a longing for Him deep in our nature, but sin and self-centeredness dominates and we mistake 'self-fulfillment' as the real need. Drugs and alcohol gave me a false since of spirituality and pseudo-peace...all while 'tightening the noose of slavery'. Yes, I did want to be free when the prayer of surrender was prayed, but I didn't know the 'road of freedom' came with such a high price to SELF. There was no 'plan B' for me and only desperation drove me down the right path. He wanted me 'really free' and was willing to 'cut out the cancer' even though this 'surgery' would require an intensity of pain never experienced -- there was no other way.

Gerald May, in his book Addiction and Grace, wrote the following:
"...we naturally seek the least threatening ways of trying to satisfy our longing for God, ways that protect our sense of personal power and require the least sacrifice. Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes -- ways of having our cake and eating it too, ways of maintaining our attachment to things and people while simultaneously trying to deepen our intimacy with God... we naturally look for the least painful ways of living."

As I was 'working the first 3 steps of recovery', God was stripping me of attachments that were deep-seated and malignant. When I said "I give up" (Step 1) and was willing to do what ever it took, God began a work of 'redemptive recovery' and introduced me to a new way of living. Looking back, this ongoing process of recovery has been about restoring (recovering) a 'lost relationship' to God ... and was/is never about the restoration of external 'stuff'.

Teach me, Lord, to focus on Your loving face alone as the source of all that I need ... and give me strength to continue, one day at a time, on this path of recovery.

Lane

Crying our for help...

I had been a Christian for over 20 years when I entered treatment and became exposed to the "12 Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous". I had 'no clue' what was involved in recovery and deemed it as 'secular'... until viewing the Steps for the first time in 'Cabin 3' at Bradford on the Warrior. It was observed that 'the program' was not secular at all, but a design for living that centered both on the necessity of God and the daily surrender to God -- and I knew why I was in that cabin on that day...because I COULD NOT make it on my own and the 'one time' surrender to Christ at the age of 20 was not enough for me. The program teaches me that I must 'clinge' to God day by day for the rest of my life. This leads me to a better understanding of 'the 1st step' of the program:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (addiction, etc) - that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have been taught this is the admission of alcoholism or addiction and if a person says "I am an alcoholic or addict" he or she has completed the 1st Step. I don't see this as merely an admission of a problem but as a 'cry for help'. To me, it is the 'powerlessness' and helplessness over my addiction and life that is the emphasis ... much like a dying man with cancer that realized 'self-healing' did not work. I didn't just need to recognize that I had problem ... but needed to realize it was necessary to 'throw in the towel' regarding all efforts to control my addictions (and my life). When I finally came to this point, I called a friend in order receive a few kind words (you know who you are M.B.) and give me a message of consolation ... but all he said was "Lane, you are exactly where God wants you to be". He let me know that it might take a great loss in order for me to find His way for my life. I put down the phone and was crushed because the TRUTH was so painful: I had come to the end of all my efforts and had no right to place a condition on what must be surrendered in order to be fully restored. This is not what I wanted to hear ... words such as "it will be O.K." or "everything will work out" is what I longed for, but did not receive. My friend could make no such promises and could only communicate, through experience, the reality of my situation ...based on the knowledge that the road of recovery was not going to be an easy process, but was necessary for survival. His words were not cruel (contrary to my original thoughts!), but poured from a heart of love because he knew that I would not make it without 'giving up'.

Having progressed on this journey and encountering many folks struggling with addictions, I always listen for that 'cry of help' and a willingness to do 'whatever it takes'. Bill Wilson said we must seek "... escape with all the desperation of a drowning man". I am so grateful to God that He has provided both a 'way out' of destruction and a 'way in' to a life with purpose. It all starts with a 'cry for help'...

Lane

East to West

Entering a treatment center some 5 years ago, even after my repentance and surrender to Christ, I was faced with overwhelming guilt, condemnation and a crushing since of failure ...all while 'swimming in a sea of hopelessness'. Life as I knew it was over ... and had to be over in order to pursue a path of recovery and restoration -- and the pain was almost unbearable. As I called my friend and first sponsor (Wayne) and cried out for some type of hope during those early days, all he could give me was "at least nobody is dead". Everything else seemed to be lost -- money, family, job, reputation, home and , seemingly, everything else that I had 'gained' during my self-centered existence. I would go to meetings in the treatment center listening for any word of hope that would give me some degree of relief. I now know, looking back, that God was stripping me of all externals in order to give me a gift of intimacy and sufficiency in Christ...and that my true HOPE was in Him and Him alone.

With this in mind, I just came across a song by Casting Crowns entitled 'East to West'. The message of this song captured the desperation of a man (just like me) that was trying to hold on for one more day. I am so grateful for a Savior full of mercy and grace ...

East to West
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness - The chains of yesterday surround me -I yearn for peace and rest -I don't want to end up where You found me -And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight -I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west -And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned -But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way- Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west -'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again -In the arms of Your mercy I find rest -'cause You know just how far the east is from the west -From one scarred hand to the other- I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin -Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in- Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way- I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light -I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night -I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals -I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me -You're holding on to me -Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west -I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again -In the arms of Your mercy I find rest -'cause You know just how far the east is from the west -From one scarred hand to the other -One scarred hand to the other- From one scarred hand to the other.

Lane

Why another blog?

Am I starting this blog because of a 'lack of information' and 'too few blogs' on the internet? Certainly not ... my purpose for this blog is to merely write about my journey as a 'Christian in Recovery'. Hopefully, another person might be given hope and the courage to both participate and endure in their own journey with God in spite of an addiction or signficant struggles. To clarify, I have been a Christian for 29 years and 'in recovery' for almost 5 years. Like so many, I thought my initial encounter with God at the age of 20 was enough to carry me through any trial for the rest of my life. What I demonstrated for the next 24 years were brief periods of spiritual intimacy, followed by years of living a self-centered existence. Finally, God 'gave me over' (allowed) me to fall into much darkness and destruction, including a state of advanced addiction. My journey home, as stated in the profile, began on April 23, 2003 in a hotel room in Raleigh, NC -- when I prayed the following dangerous prayer, "God, whatever it takes, whatever the cost, I want to come home to you". God took me up on this, and the price was costly indeed, eventually landing me in a treatment center, followed by time in a half-way house. I went from making huge sums of money (and living for SELF) to counting change in order to put gas in my borrowed car. Like the prodical son, I did come to my senses ... but the path of restoration has been slow and often painful. The hope, however, is that God does put the pieces back together and grants us opportunties to live a life that He designs. My plan is to write about this Redemptive Recovery process ...



Lane