Sensitivity of the Heart

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. (Paul, Eph. 5:15-16)

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. (Bill Wilson, AA pgs. 86-87)

Catching up... I've had a challenging couple of weeks and have not posted. It is very interesting to me that a significant portion of my recovery has been 'peeled back' over time. It took about a year and a half of continuous sobriety before I began to realize areas of struggle that have persisted throughout my adult life. For several days, all I could do was 'hold on' and just fulfill my basic responsibilities. I 'hid' it well...except to my 'accountability circle'. I could trust each of them with the details of my life and I am very grateful...

Sensitivity of the heart ... In the midst of a personal milestone (50th birthday!), I began to review numerous entries from journals of the past 5 years. October 9, 2003 was a very turbulent time in my life as I approached the 6-month mark of recovery. On that particular day I was participating in a 'Heart Arrhythmia Interpretation Class' at a local hospital as part of a requirement for employment. I heard these words during the class and recorded the following:

"Memorize the characteristics of the heart's electronic patterns, not the appearance...remember, the heart is very sensitive to change..."

I perceived this to be a message from God for me at this time in my life... and it certainly applies to my current situation, as well. Just as my physical heart is delicate and very sensitive (and adaptive), so is life in the spirit. I must 'guard my heart' and examine those issues that create discord, turmoil and restlessness. In addition, I must continue to have individuals in my life observing the 'characteristics' and quality of my spiritual walk, and not just the appearance. Often, the small 'allowances' or 'intrusions' produce significant alterations in my ability to stay connected to God. I am grateful to have 'discovered' ongoing recovery as a 'treatment' for my

condition...

Lane

What is a disciple?

"If you abide (persevere until we are one with Him) in my word (His doctrine, His Truth, His directions...), you are truly my disciples and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)

As I surrender my life and my will to the care of God (Step 3) and travel a different path, Jesus begins to demand more of me than I am often willing to give. However, He knows that 'there is no other way' to freedom and service.

As Jesus taught TRUTH, He expected different levels of impact (the parable of the sower)...but ultimately His desire is for disciples. I looked up this word in a Greek dictionary (mathetes) and the definition is very interesting:

Not just a pupil or learner, but an adherent who accepts the instruction given and makes it his rule of conduct or rule of life.

In other words, a disciple is no longer in charge of his life and is to be consumed by a new Master. Not only is he to hear the words and teachings of this new Master, but is to take action on all the instructions given. Do I REALLY believe this? Am I willing to change everything if He desires? Am I willing to pay the price for intimacy with Christ on a daily basis? Is His truth my rule of conduct in all situations? God help me...I've got a 'long way to go'...

Lane

"Watch yourselves..."

"But watch yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap." (Luke 21:34)

As I was turning in the Bible to a another reading, this passage (along with previous notes) jumped out at me once again. It appears that Jesus was telling us to 'watch ourselves' ...instead of 'watching (judging) others'. He seemed to be teaching introspection and was encouraging us to 'be on guard' because of our heart's tendency to betray -- and we then make ourselves 'feel better' by focusing on the faults of other people. We even 'issue a verdict' against the other person's faults as if we know the very depths of their heart! The Amplified Bible says it clearly: we should guard our heart and watch out for "the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence ..."

I spend a lot of time and mental energy 'watching others'...and being disturbed when they do not conform to my wishes. I must ask for grace to guard my own heart and avoid the 'emotional hangovers' and anxieties that result from the wrong focus. Lord, let the meditations of my heart be pleasing to You.

Lane

A Searching and Fearless Pursuit of the Truth (2)

It has been a busy week...and I feel 'agitated' and 'not very spiritual'. In fact, I did not want to post this continuation of a '4th Step inventory'. However, because of those feelings...I know that I must continue on...

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves..."

What does this mean and how can I complete this step? For me, it begins with the 1st principle identified in the previous post: 1) An honest assessment and evaluation of my life. This action will cause me to objectively view my past and present with honesty. The intent is to see things "as they are". I need to make a thorough inventory of the life that was surrendered to God in Step 3. This is tough because I need to slow down and carefully ask Him to help me identify and review the various 'areas' of my life. I know I will need God to show me the "one more thing" that is concealed, along with my hidden motives. The areas that I must review and consider are:

• My true relationship to God and the state of my daily spiritual life
• The relationship with my family
• My finances and possessions
• My job/career/calling
• Sex, lust and imagery
• All social relationships (friends, society, work, etc.)
• My recreation and entertainment
• My physical health
• My 'mental life', obsessions, compulsions and 'meditations of the heart'
• Use of time
• Accountability and submission
• How I handle responsibilities

As I carefully review each of these areas, I need the courage from God to explore what is REALLY 'going on' in each of these areas. What has occurred in the past that still affects me today? What patterns of behavior am I tolerating that will have a long-term negative impact? As I stand in the center and view these various areas of my life...I carefully must consider the TRUTH and explore my willingness to surrender everything to God. I must ask God for the SPIRIT of TRUTH that dissects and exposes all behaviors that will separate me from Him. I will be asking myself a series of questions that require 'rigourous honesty'. This will be tough because I am in a bit of a 'dead time' spiritually and somewhat reluctant to move forward. I pray for courage and favor...I need His help.

As stated in the Big Book of AA, I am "launching out on a course of vigorous action..." My reluctance and emotions must not halt the process.

Lane

A Searching and Fearless Pursuit of the Truth

It has come to my attention during the past couple of weeks the need for deeper self-examination, disclosure and 'fearless inventory'. Contrary to what I prefer, 4th Step inventory (along with daily 10th Step work) should be an ongoing process. Honestly, I am seeing some things 'creep in' that are disturbing...and behaviors that need to be addressed. In essence, I am IN recovery ... not GRADUATED FROM recovery.

With this in mind, I want to journal my process of 're-working' a 4th step using a guide that helps me visualize the process. It is not based on original ideas, but compiled from my readings during the past few years. The particular method has 5 guiding principles that serve as a backbone to the action that I must take:

1. Honest Assessment and Evaluation
2. Identification of what blocks us from God
3. Diagnosis of our injuries and wounds
4. Exposure of all root issues
5. Treatment of our 'pathology'

This looks a bit like medical terminology because of my background and the fact that this process is 'used' on us each time we go to a doctor with a medical condition or sickness (pathology). In addition, this method also considers the OXFORD GROUP original tenets that were utilized by Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob in the early days of AA. These include:

• Surrender
• Confession
• Restitution
• Guidance
• Witnessing
• The '4 Absolutes' (Honesty, Purity, Unselfishness and Love)

As I move forward, it is important to realize that the desired outcome is transformation of character and this is not an 'exercise' in accumulating self-knowledge. Hopefully, "the TRUTH will set me free" as He exposes the realities in my life.

Lane

Am I a Phony?

37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10: 37 - 39, ESV)

After listening to a message by David Platt titled 'What the Gospel Demands' (see link below), I began to question my willingness to absolutely surrender EVERYTHING to Christ. My words sound definitive and my instructions point toward the necessity of "making a decision to turn our lives and our will to the care of God..." However, the implications of such 'self-surrender' demands a high price -- and maybe just too high for me. As I discussed this sermon with a friend, he asked me if the message 'was good'. I told him that I didn't know...because it was just too disturbing and the 'costliness' of truly following Christ DEMANDS that I change and 'let go' of idols. I am at another crossroad in my journey. Am I REALLY willing to do what it takes, no matter the cost? Please pray for me...the words of Jesus and the '3rd Step prayer' referenced above (see picture) do not provide an opportunity for a 'soft, easy way'.

Lane

Link to media archives (9/7/08 message):

brook hills media audio messages 2008

The '4 ABSOLUTES'

The following information gives us more understanding on the '4 absolutes' that were used as standards of behavior and 'benchmarks' for daily examination in the early program of AA... Absolute Honesty, Absolute Unselfishness, Absolute Love and Absolute Purity. These characteristics were 'rooted' in the Master. What a powerful concept...

Truth – the standard of Absolute Honesty --“Jesus set up an absolute standard of truth... If Satan is the father of lies, how can any lie be justifiable? Jesus did not make truthfulness depend upon its profitableness or its loss. Men must be true and speak the truth regardless of consequences. Unselfishness – the standard of Absolute Unselfishness -- Jesus set up an absolute standard of unselfishness. This was His own spirit. . . . The kingdom with its service of God and man was to be above home, friends, comfort, life (Matt. 19:29). Purity – the standard of Absolute Purity --“Jesus set up an absolute standard of purity. He tolerated no uncleanness whatsoever. The inner chambers of imagery and desire must be pure (Mark 7:15). A hand or an eye, outer or inner sin, must be sacrificed to the claims of the kingdom of heaven (Matt. 5:29, 30).” Love – the standard of Absolute Love -- “Jesus set up an absolute standard of love (John 23:34). Neither dirt (Luke 16:20), nor poverty (Luke 14:13), nor social inferiority (Luke 7:39) were annulments of the law of love. He Himself loved to the limit (John 13:1), and with no abatements. The law of love makes it impossible to say: “I don’t like those people. I can’t love them.”

“Jesus Himself was the standard He set up. He was unchangeable. He had been before Abraham (John 8:58). He would be forever (Heb. 13:8). The absolute Teacher was the absolute lesson. It is a great thing in this day of wavering, of quibbling by moral evasions and straddles, to have a faith and a faithful Master who cannot be moved” (taken from research by Dick B.)

I do not believe we can 'do this on our own'...yet, the challenge is daily scrutiny, exposure and surrender to God. These standards serve us well, especially when we have individuals in our lives that 'tell it like it is'. I want to thank those that God has put in my life that create discomfort when I take the soft, easy road.

Lane