Having observed my own challenges and those of my 'fellow travelers' on this road of recovery, I am astounded at the predictability of outcomes when specific behaviors are observed. I thought about this one day when learning about 'wound care' in an online education class (I am a nurse, by the way...). The way it was explained, wounds could be staged according to the destruction of the tissues involved and outcomes could be predicted based on this staging and the related treatments. When a physician talks to an individual with a wound, he or she can explain the 'almost certain' consequences of poor treatment and non-compliance, especially for the more advanced injuries. For example, certain types of wounds will always lead to destruction and eventual death if not dealt with quickly and properly...and the treatment might be as radical requiring amputation of a limb. No matter the opinion of the patient, the emotions of the patient nor the 'other ideas' of the patient will change this fact. Without a 'power greater than themselves' and a prescribed 'program of treatment', the person will face a horrible outcome. The physician also knows that the 'inability to feel pain' associated with the wound is a significant predictor that the tissue is dead ... no matter how good a patient might 'feel'. The words might be harsh, but only the truth will give this person a chance of recovery.
This is, in my opinion, a powerful analogy as it relates to recovery from alcohol, drugs or any other substance or addiction. The person that has a degree of maturity in recovery and has followed the program for a period of time with success knows so much more about me than I know about myself. He or she also knows the landmines along the path ... especially when 'hearing' words of pride and self-sufficiency such as "I can handle it". Just like the physician that attempts to intervene with a deep tissue wound, a sponsor in the Program can point me to the treatment and away from a predictable fall toward destruction ... The problem is, these wounds of rebellion and self-centeredness might be evident when things are going so well in my life...and I am blind to the emerging patterns of behavior.
Gerald May explains that the 'mind tricks' associated with a strong self-will are merely signs that the addiction is seeking to regain control and are signals that relapse is near:
If, instead of failing, the person temporarily succeeds in stopping the addictive behavior, the greatest mind trick of all comes into play. It starts out very normally, with the natural joyfulness of liberation. "I can do it! I have done it! And it wasn't even difficult! Why, I actually don't even have any desire for a drink anymore. I'm free!" Before long, the natural pride will undergo a malignant change; it will be replaced by pride.
Even after 'almost' 5 years, I am still dependent daily on the powerful Grace of God and the help of individuals that are working the program of recovery. If I ever believe "I have made it"...the slippery slope will lead to destruction. Paul says that we are "strongest when we are the weakest". What a concept ... the greatest predictors of my sobriety and intimacy with God are humility, service and willingness. Please, my friends, keep warning me of the 'wounds' you observe in my behavior and attitude. My life depends on it...
Lane
Friday, March 14, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
An unexpected gift on day 1802...
Today is day 1802 of my sobriety. I do not 'count the days' as a badge of success, but as a powerful reminder of recovery's path. For me, it is about allowing God to 'order my days' and His prompting for me to review 'where I've been' during the journey.
With that being said, I had a humbling experience today that never would have occurred without the principles (Steps) of recovery. It was, indeed, one of the most profound 'amends' that has taken place during God's restoration process and I want to highlight what transpired...
I had superficially 'reconnected' with an old friend during the past few weeks -- a past that was long forgotten. Not only had I 'buried' this friendship, I had even 'wiped out' (through denial) many details of our time together and the value that he brought to my life. You see, I was such a mess and 'needed' (wanted) to escape ALL PAIN associated with a failed marriage, a failed ministry, insecurities and a life of irresponsibility . In essence, I wanted to have a 'do-over' -- and this required almost a complete restructuring of my past. To make this 'complete', I even gave up my only son (at the time) for adoption. I was so blinded by my sickness and 'self-centeredness' and was willing to sacrifice anything and everyone in order to create a 'new reality'...and this included an innocent little boy that I loved 'more than life' when I had looked into his face and held him for the first time. In other words, the pattern of destruction was already evident in my life and the 'grip of addiction' had started its powerful assault . Therefore, for a man who could do this, giving up a friend was 'easy' -- I just had to shut out any thought of him. This seemed to work for a while...but as time passed, only alcohol and drugs could sustain this life of delusion. In fact, without SOMETHING to help, I was a miserable and depressed man...longing to be 'knocked out' so that I could gain at least a few hours of freedom from the growing hopelessness.
25 years later ... God, because of His grace at work through recovery, no longer lets me live this life of deception. He requires a "willingness to make amends" to all I have harmed (Step 8)-- including my older son, my wife & our children together - and any other person that He reveals...for the rest of my life. Therefore, it was not so strange when a thought occured to 'seek amends' with my friend from the past, even though I did not have any known issues or problems. I asked him if there was "anything between the two of us"... and what he told me 'cut deeply'...
Without me knowing it, he had been hurt for a long time over my 'abrupt' end to our friendship and my overall lack of integrity. This person trusted me and was stunned that I could 'walk away' from a long friendship without explanation, concern or remorse. One year ago, after all this time, God brought healing as it related to my past treatment of this man. The lesson was powerful: The sufficiency of Christ was all he ever needed ...no matter the offense of another person (that would be me) nor the extent of the pain. This response was sobering...as God allowed me an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and take full responsibility for my actions and destructive behaviors. So graciously, my friend did forgive me in spite of the pain I brought into his life and the poor example I had provided as a fellow brother in the Lord. After our honest talk and his transparent vulnerability, we embraced and he said, "I DO love you, Lane"...
I am amazed at the grace of God and the miracle of restoration ... He continues to make "beauty out of ashes" and gives gifts to the undeserving (like me). And finally, I am grateful to know that He is a God of '2nd chances'... and has given me this opportunity to say to my friend, "I love you, too".
Lane
With that being said, I had a humbling experience today that never would have occurred without the principles (Steps) of recovery. It was, indeed, one of the most profound 'amends' that has taken place during God's restoration process and I want to highlight what transpired...
I had superficially 'reconnected' with an old friend during the past few weeks -- a past that was long forgotten. Not only had I 'buried' this friendship, I had even 'wiped out' (through denial) many details of our time together and the value that he brought to my life. You see, I was such a mess and 'needed' (wanted) to escape ALL PAIN associated with a failed marriage, a failed ministry, insecurities and a life of irresponsibility . In essence, I wanted to have a 'do-over' -- and this required almost a complete restructuring of my past. To make this 'complete', I even gave up my only son (at the time) for adoption. I was so blinded by my sickness and 'self-centeredness' and was willing to sacrifice anything and everyone in order to create a 'new reality'...and this included an innocent little boy that I loved 'more than life' when I had looked into his face and held him for the first time. In other words, the pattern of destruction was already evident in my life and the 'grip of addiction' had started its powerful assault . Therefore, for a man who could do this, giving up a friend was 'easy' -- I just had to shut out any thought of him. This seemed to work for a while...but as time passed, only alcohol and drugs could sustain this life of delusion. In fact, without SOMETHING to help, I was a miserable and depressed man...longing to be 'knocked out' so that I could gain at least a few hours of freedom from the growing hopelessness.
25 years later ... God, because of His grace at work through recovery, no longer lets me live this life of deception. He requires a "willingness to make amends" to all I have harmed (Step 8)-- including my older son, my wife & our children together - and any other person that He reveals...for the rest of my life. Therefore, it was not so strange when a thought occured to 'seek amends' with my friend from the past, even though I did not have any known issues or problems. I asked him if there was "anything between the two of us"... and what he told me 'cut deeply'...
Without me knowing it, he had been hurt for a long time over my 'abrupt' end to our friendship and my overall lack of integrity. This person trusted me and was stunned that I could 'walk away' from a long friendship without explanation, concern or remorse. One year ago, after all this time, God brought healing as it related to my past treatment of this man. The lesson was powerful: The sufficiency of Christ was all he ever needed ...no matter the offense of another person (that would be me) nor the extent of the pain. This response was sobering...as God allowed me an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and take full responsibility for my actions and destructive behaviors. So graciously, my friend did forgive me in spite of the pain I brought into his life and the poor example I had provided as a fellow brother in the Lord. After our honest talk and his transparent vulnerability, we embraced and he said, "I DO love you, Lane"...
I am amazed at the grace of God and the miracle of restoration ... He continues to make "beauty out of ashes" and gives gifts to the undeserving (like me). And finally, I am grateful to know that He is a God of '2nd chances'... and has given me this opportunity to say to my friend, "I love you, too".
Lane
Saturday, March 8, 2008
In need of Grace...
The 2nd Step in AA and in all 12 step recovery programs says:
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This sounds simple to me, yet it is a great challenge because I am so 'strong-willed'. The book of James 4:10 (NLT) says: When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor. This admission of dependence is an ongoing struggle for me as the consequences of my addiction are fading and 'things are better' on so many different levels. How can I live in daily dependence? How can I 'loosen the grip' on my life and allow God to seize control? ... For me, it is to stay 'plugged in' to recovery groups, live a life of accountability and to seek God daily. I often fall short in these areas, but attempt to 'pick myself back up' and continue on down the road because I need God's grace (the Power greater than myself)... not to just overcome addiction(s), but to 'truly live' and fulfill a purpose. This is why the PROGRAM is so important...because it is a solution that is based on 'daily dependence on God'. Should I ever stop the program because I am no longer consciously aware of addiction (via cravings or obsessions)? NO !!! This is His 'prescription' that will give me access to the grace and a healthy spiritual condition. In addition, the nature of addiction is such that our brains will play tricks on us in order to promote disfunction. Gerald May says, "A fundamental mind trick of addiction is focusing attention on willpower. In very complicated ways, the mind asserts that it in fact can control the behavior...it even encourages making resolutions to stop. It knows such resolutions are likely to fail, and when they do, the addictive behavior will have a stronger foothold than ever."
I am in need of Grace... past, present and future - and only His grace can 'restore me to sanity'. Please, Lord, help me to never forget...
Lane
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This sounds simple to me, yet it is a great challenge because I am so 'strong-willed'. The book of James 4:10 (NLT) says: When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor. This admission of dependence is an ongoing struggle for me as the consequences of my addiction are fading and 'things are better' on so many different levels. How can I live in daily dependence? How can I 'loosen the grip' on my life and allow God to seize control? ... For me, it is to stay 'plugged in' to recovery groups, live a life of accountability and to seek God daily. I often fall short in these areas, but attempt to 'pick myself back up' and continue on down the road because I need God's grace (the Power greater than myself)... not to just overcome addiction(s), but to 'truly live' and fulfill a purpose. This is why the PROGRAM is so important...because it is a solution that is based on 'daily dependence on God'. Should I ever stop the program because I am no longer consciously aware of addiction (via cravings or obsessions)? NO !!! This is His 'prescription' that will give me access to the grace and a healthy spiritual condition. In addition, the nature of addiction is such that our brains will play tricks on us in order to promote disfunction. Gerald May says, "A fundamental mind trick of addiction is focusing attention on willpower. In very complicated ways, the mind asserts that it in fact can control the behavior...it even encourages making resolutions to stop. It knows such resolutions are likely to fail, and when they do, the addictive behavior will have a stronger foothold than ever."
I am in need of Grace... past, present and future - and only His grace can 'restore me to sanity'. Please, Lord, help me to never forget...
Lane
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
What do I really desire?
As I realized the 'out of control' nature of my life and the inability to gain freedom from addiction, I cried out for help...Initially, this was a cry for relief from the pain and, as I discovered, a deep desire to have my life 'return to normal'. However, God had something else in mind - He wanted to give me a new life. Unfortunately, for my flesh, this new life required a surrender of my hopes, dreams and expectations. As Oswald Chambers said (parapharased), "We can put no conditions on what we are willing to surrender - conditions only reveal the idolatry of our heart". I believe God places a longing for Him deep in our nature, but sin and self-centeredness dominates and we mistake 'self-fulfillment' as the real need. Drugs and alcohol gave me a false since of spirituality and pseudo-peace...all while 'tightening the noose of slavery'. Yes, I did want to be free when the prayer of surrender was prayed, but I didn't know the 'road of freedom' came with such a high price to SELF. There was no 'plan B' for me and only desperation drove me down the right path. He wanted me 'really free' and was willing to 'cut out the cancer' even though this 'surgery' would require an intensity of pain never experienced -- there was no other way.
Gerald May, in his book Addiction and Grace, wrote the following:
"...we naturally seek the least threatening ways of trying to satisfy our longing for God, ways that protect our sense of personal power and require the least sacrifice. Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes -- ways of having our cake and eating it too, ways of maintaining our attachment to things and people while simultaneously trying to deepen our intimacy with God... we naturally look for the least painful ways of living."
As I was 'working the first 3 steps of recovery', God was stripping me of attachments that were deep-seated and malignant. When I said "I give up" (Step 1) and was willing to do what ever it took, God began a work of 'redemptive recovery' and introduced me to a new way of living. Looking back, this ongoing process of recovery has been about restoring (recovering) a 'lost relationship' to God ... and was/is never about the restoration of external 'stuff'.
Teach me, Lord, to focus on Your loving face alone as the source of all that I need ... and give me strength to continue, one day at a time, on this path of recovery.
Lane
Gerald May, in his book Addiction and Grace, wrote the following:
"...we naturally seek the least threatening ways of trying to satisfy our longing for God, ways that protect our sense of personal power and require the least sacrifice. Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes -- ways of having our cake and eating it too, ways of maintaining our attachment to things and people while simultaneously trying to deepen our intimacy with God... we naturally look for the least painful ways of living."
As I was 'working the first 3 steps of recovery', God was stripping me of attachments that were deep-seated and malignant. When I said "I give up" (Step 1) and was willing to do what ever it took, God began a work of 'redemptive recovery' and introduced me to a new way of living. Looking back, this ongoing process of recovery has been about restoring (recovering) a 'lost relationship' to God ... and was/is never about the restoration of external 'stuff'.
Teach me, Lord, to focus on Your loving face alone as the source of all that I need ... and give me strength to continue, one day at a time, on this path of recovery.
Lane
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