An unexpected gift on day 1802...

Today is day 1802 of my sobriety. I do not 'count the days' as a badge of success, but as a powerful reminder of recovery's path. For me, it is about allowing God to 'order my days' and His prompting for me to review 'where I've been' during the journey.

With that being said, I had a humbling experience today that never would have occurred without the principles (Steps) of recovery. It was, indeed, one of the most profound 'amends' that has taken place during God's restoration process and I want to highlight what transpired...

I had superficially 'reconnected' with an old friend during the past few weeks -- a past that was long forgotten. Not only had I 'buried' this friendship, I had even 'wiped out' (through denial) many details of our time together and the value that he brought to my life. You see, I was such a mess and 'needed' (wanted) to escape ALL PAIN associated with a failed marriage, a failed ministry, insecurities and a life of irresponsibility . In essence, I wanted to have a 'do-over' -- and this required almost a complete restructuring of my past. To make this 'complete', I even gave up my only son (at the time) for adoption. I was so blinded by my sickness and 'self-centeredness' and was willing to sacrifice anything and everyone in order to create a 'new reality'...and this included an innocent little boy that I loved 'more than life' when I had looked into his face and held him for the first time. In other words, the pattern of destruction was already evident in my life and the 'grip of addiction' had started its powerful assault . Therefore, for a man who could do this, giving up a friend was 'easy' -- I just had to shut out any thought of him. This seemed to work for a while...but as time passed, only alcohol and drugs could sustain this life of delusion. In fact, without SOMETHING to help, I was a miserable and depressed man...longing to be 'knocked out' so that I could gain at least a few hours of freedom from the growing hopelessness.

25 years later ... God, because of His grace at work through recovery, no longer lets me live this life of deception. He requires a "willingness to make amends" to all I have harmed (Step 8)-- including my older son, my wife & our children together - and any other person that He reveals...for the rest of my life. Therefore, it was not so strange when a thought occured to 'seek amends' with my friend from the past, even though I did not have any known issues or problems. I asked him if there was "anything between the two of us"... and what he told me 'cut deeply'...

Without me knowing it, he had been hurt for a long time over my 'abrupt' end to our friendship and my overall lack of integrity. This person trusted me and was stunned that I could 'walk away' from a long friendship without explanation, concern or remorse. One year ago, after all this time, God brought healing as it related to my past treatment of this man. The lesson was powerful: The sufficiency of Christ was all he ever needed ...no matter the offense of another person (that would be me) nor the extent of the pain. This response was sobering...as God allowed me an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and take full responsibility for my actions and destructive behaviors. So graciously, my friend did forgive me in spite of the pain I brought into his life and the poor example I had provided as a fellow brother in the Lord. After our honest talk and his transparent vulnerability, we embraced and he said, "I DO love you, Lane"...

I am amazed at the grace of God and the miracle of restoration ... He continues to make "beauty out of ashes" and gives gifts to the undeserving (like me). And finally, I am grateful to know that He is a God of '2nd chances'... and has given me this opportunity to say to my friend, "I love you, too".

Lane