As I realized the 'out of control' nature of my life and the inability to gain freedom from addiction, I cried out for help...Initially, this was a cry for relief from the pain and, as I discovered, a deep desire to have my life 'return to normal'. However, God had something else in mind - He wanted to give me a new life. Unfortunately, for my flesh, this new life required a surrender of my hopes, dreams and expectations. As Oswald Chambers said (parapharased), "We can put no conditions on what we are willing to surrender - conditions only reveal the idolatry of our heart". I believe God places a longing for Him deep in our nature, but sin and self-centeredness dominates and we mistake 'self-fulfillment' as the real need. Drugs and alcohol gave me a false since of spirituality and pseudo-peace...all while 'tightening the noose of slavery'. Yes, I did want to be free when the prayer of surrender was prayed, but I didn't know the 'road of freedom' came with such a high price to SELF. There was no 'plan B' for me and only desperation drove me down the right path. He wanted me 'really free' and was willing to 'cut out the cancer' even though this 'surgery' would require an intensity of pain never experienced -- there was no other way.
Gerald May, in his book Addiction and Grace, wrote the following:
"...we naturally seek the least threatening ways of trying to satisfy our longing for God, ways that protect our sense of personal power and require the least sacrifice. Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes -- ways of having our cake and eating it too, ways of maintaining our attachment to things and people while simultaneously trying to deepen our intimacy with God... we naturally look for the least painful ways of living."
As I was 'working the first 3 steps of recovery', God was stripping me of attachments that were deep-seated and malignant. When I said "I give up" (Step 1) and was willing to do what ever it took, God began a work of 'redemptive recovery' and introduced me to a new way of living. Looking back, this ongoing process of recovery has been about restoring (recovering) a 'lost relationship' to God ... and was/is never about the restoration of external 'stuff'.
Teach me, Lord, to focus on Your loving face alone as the source of all that I need ... and give me strength to continue, one day at a time, on this path of recovery.
Lane
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2 comments:
Even with the redemption in hand, the Israelites had to make a conscious decision to get up and get out of Egypt. Each step, each moment took them closer to the place God had promised.
We tend to look at recovery as moving toward a new life, when in fact the moment we begin the process, the new life is started. We don't recognize it as such because of the turmoil and struggle.God's grace and mercy help us daily and over time, we will come to see that our new life began with the admission that we are powerless and in need of being restored. Looking around we found that God was the power greater than us to accomplish this. New Life!
God on you.......
mb
Contrary to the teachings of so many, our admission of 'weakness' is the beginning of the journey. Jack Taylor said, "You can't approach God and be strong"...therefore, what appeared to be devastating for me (addiction, life falling apart, etc)was the doorway to freedom. It doesn't make since to my 'Americanism'!
Lane
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